[He heard the noise, looking sideways at her for a moment... then looking away again. Then he righted himself, hair effectively hiding his expression, and his voice staying soft.]
That... is in the middle of the story, actually. A very important part of the story. The lead up to it is important too.
You see, when I still had parents, I was only five. And then... Konoha shinobi killed them thinking they were the enemy when they were just... trying to defend the house, me. I killed them. [A hand lifted, touching the corner of his eyes.]
But I don't... remember doing it. It's a blank to me, but I know I did it, as there was no one else there who could have. After that, I was alone for a while, finding a dog who I named Chibi, a dog that unfortunately ended up killed later on, a loss I took poorly.
However, before that, I was wandering for weeks, nearly starving to death until Konan and Yahiko found me. It made things harder on them, easier on me, and I would have died without them.
[It was clear he'd started to lose himself in the story he was telling, as there was a slightly different quality in his tone, even if he wasn't looking at her.]
And we were like that, just the three of us, for a year, maybe two, maybe three. Sometimes it's hard to tell how long time has passed in Ame. The only season is wet or colder wet, after all, which was why I was nearly starving in the first place. Nothing wants to grow in those conditions.
But... Jiraiya found us. Or rather, we found them. Him and his teammates. Orochimaru actually offered to kill us. He didn't, obviously, but the look on his face when he came to Akatsuki after leaving Konoha... that was a good day.
Sensei is why he didn't though. He stepped in, offered to take care of us. We were understandably suspicious, at first. [His hand lowered back to his lap, and he lifted his chin as he clasped his hands tightly together.] But he didn't do anything terrible to us, even if he didn't intend to teach us anything... that came later, after an attack where things went badly and we could have lost someone.
And we learned. We were good students, fast learners. We made him proud of us... and Sensei taught me something I didn't understand at all for a long time. That the only way anyone will understand each other is to know the pain of the person they're trying to understand. Because that's the only way to grow, to be an adult, to be strong...
And I failed him. It wasn't immediate though. When he left us, we did it right. Yahiko led us, and we formed Akatsuki to fight Hanzo, to topple the regime that made Ame an even more miserable place to live. We weren't winning. Looking back, I think Yahiko realized that where my blind faith in him, my willingness to follow, didn't let me see that we were falling further and further behind the curve in the desperation to free our country.
That brings me back to Yahiko, the bridge to peace that shattered, because he was a good man. You see, Hanzo had offered to meet us peacefully, to resolve things, and there was nothing we could do but go. And he betrayed us. Konoha shinobi helped him subdue our people and he got his hands on Konan personally, threatening her life... unless Yahiko died. He would only release her then.
[He spread his fingers out, his gaze dropping back to them as he stared at his hands.] I had a kunai out, and he threw himself on it.
I... broke. I see this now. I ended up leading the Akatsuki, and I destroyed Hanzo. I destroyed him, everyone he loved, everyone who supported him, everything. It was terrible, cruel, and I... felt it was justified. That those people had been directly responsible for my losses, for letting people fight on our lands and kill our people. For not protecting everyone who should have been under their care.
I didn't look like this. I'd kept Yahiko's body you see. I hid behind it. I looked through his eyes from afar and had his voice be mine in the village, seeing from afar like I was some god. It doesn't help that I could control the weather, could do things sensei had even been amazed by...
But I always let it rain. I used the rain as a shield, to protect Ame, to keep it safe... and somewhere along the way I bought into Madara's plan. He'd come to us, before Yahiko died. And after... it influenced my choices to some degree, the need to follow whatever end to peace I could find. I thought... maybe making everyone hurt as much as I did would make them stop fighting, though I see the mistake in that thinking now.
Naruto reminded me that that had never been what Yahiko would have wanted for me, for Ame, for everyone. I never mentioned the Madara thing to him, it seemed trivial when we spoke, considering what I'd just done to Konoha.
And... I'd felt Konoha had deserved it, at the time. They'd been the source of so much that had gone wrong for me, for my country... and Sensei was swept into that. I hadn't been willing to listen to him, when he tried to talk to me, to tell me that he hadn't known we were alive all this time...
Because I thought I was right and knew the way to make the world a better place, even if it was through terrible means. I wouldn't even listen to the person who taught me the lesson I was wrongfully following in the first place.
[His voice grew hushed then.]
It is not something I can undo any longer. That window passed, and I didn't take it. Many of my mistakes were willfully made and I take responsibility for them. I gave my life once, after hearing what Naruto had to tell me to fix some of them. But I had a country to lead, and I left that post as well. That... I can't fix so simply.
[And with that, he finally looked at her, aware that he probably should have done so far sooner.]
I'M SO SORRY FOR THIS MONSTER TAG
That... is in the middle of the story, actually. A very important part of the story. The lead up to it is important too.
You see, when I still had parents, I was only five. And then... Konoha shinobi killed them thinking they were the enemy when they were just... trying to defend the house, me. I killed them. [A hand lifted, touching the corner of his eyes.]
But I don't... remember doing it. It's a blank to me, but I know I did it, as there was no one else there who could have. After that, I was alone for a while, finding a dog who I named Chibi, a dog that unfortunately ended up killed later on, a loss I took poorly.
However, before that, I was wandering for weeks, nearly starving to death until Konan and Yahiko found me. It made things harder on them, easier on me, and I would have died without them.
[It was clear he'd started to lose himself in the story he was telling, as there was a slightly different quality in his tone, even if he wasn't looking at her.]
And we were like that, just the three of us, for a year, maybe two, maybe three. Sometimes it's hard to tell how long time has passed in Ame. The only season is wet or colder wet, after all, which was why I was nearly starving in the first place. Nothing wants to grow in those conditions.
But... Jiraiya found us. Or rather, we found them. Him and his teammates. Orochimaru actually offered to kill us. He didn't, obviously, but the look on his face when he came to Akatsuki after leaving Konoha... that was a good day.
Sensei is why he didn't though. He stepped in, offered to take care of us. We were understandably suspicious, at first. [His hand lowered back to his lap, and he lifted his chin as he clasped his hands tightly together.] But he didn't do anything terrible to us, even if he didn't intend to teach us anything... that came later, after an attack where things went badly and we could have lost someone.
And we learned. We were good students, fast learners. We made him proud of us... and Sensei taught me something I didn't understand at all for a long time. That the only way anyone will understand each other is to know the pain of the person they're trying to understand. Because that's the only way to grow, to be an adult, to be strong...
And I failed him. It wasn't immediate though. When he left us, we did it right. Yahiko led us, and we formed Akatsuki to fight Hanzo, to topple the regime that made Ame an even more miserable place to live. We weren't winning. Looking back, I think Yahiko realized that where my blind faith in him, my willingness to follow, didn't let me see that we were falling further and further behind the curve in the desperation to free our country.
That brings me back to Yahiko, the bridge to peace that shattered, because he was a good man. You see, Hanzo had offered to meet us peacefully, to resolve things, and there was nothing we could do but go. And he betrayed us. Konoha shinobi helped him subdue our people and he got his hands on Konan personally, threatening her life... unless Yahiko died. He would only release her then.
[He spread his fingers out, his gaze dropping back to them as he stared at his hands.] I had a kunai out, and he threw himself on it.
I... broke. I see this now. I ended up leading the Akatsuki, and I destroyed Hanzo. I destroyed him, everyone he loved, everyone who supported him, everything. It was terrible, cruel, and I... felt it was justified. That those people had been directly responsible for my losses, for letting people fight on our lands and kill our people. For not protecting everyone who should have been under their care.
I didn't look like this. I'd kept Yahiko's body you see. I hid behind it. I looked through his eyes from afar and had his voice be mine in the village, seeing from afar like I was some god. It doesn't help that I could control the weather, could do things sensei had even been amazed by...
But I always let it rain. I used the rain as a shield, to protect Ame, to keep it safe... and somewhere along the way I bought into Madara's plan. He'd come to us, before Yahiko died. And after... it influenced my choices to some degree, the need to follow whatever end to peace I could find. I thought... maybe making everyone hurt as much as I did would make them stop fighting, though I see the mistake in that thinking now.
Naruto reminded me that that had never been what Yahiko would have wanted for me, for Ame, for everyone. I never mentioned the Madara thing to him, it seemed trivial when we spoke, considering what I'd just done to Konoha.
And... I'd felt Konoha had deserved it, at the time. They'd been the source of so much that had gone wrong for me, for my country... and Sensei was swept into that. I hadn't been willing to listen to him, when he tried to talk to me, to tell me that he hadn't known we were alive all this time...
Because I thought I was right and knew the way to make the world a better place, even if it was through terrible means. I wouldn't even listen to the person who taught me the lesson I was wrongfully following in the first place.
[His voice grew hushed then.]
It is not something I can undo any longer. That window passed, and I didn't take it. Many of my mistakes were willfully made and I take responsibility for them. I gave my life once, after hearing what Naruto had to tell me to fix some of them. But I had a country to lead, and I left that post as well. That... I can't fix so simply.
[And with that, he finally looked at her, aware that he probably should have done so far sooner.]